It’s basically the end of January and I know many people are already selling dreams of a February new year start. (I’m acting like this wasn’t me last year)
Everyone was happy with their fireworks and new outfit a couple of weeks ago. What happened?
Along the years I’ve adopted many approaches towards the ‘new year’.
I’ve been the ‘count down church goer’ the ‘plan your life down to each second aunty’ I’ve been the ‘flow-with-the-wind no concrete goals girl’, adopted the ‘live your best life is too short’ mentality and even the change your whole personality and become a more quiet person idea.
As wild as some of the above is, I’ve always had the best intentions for myself, I don’t believe anyone intentionally plans to fail. With all these approaches I claimed that it would be a great year for me. I shouted about it at times, I wrote it in my diary underlined it in red served with a healthy number of exclamation marks for emphasis!!!! But every year there was always something that just made me want to give up, stop, fold my arms and pretend not to care which is some what normal as we all face difficult times. But the thing is I would always follow through with that feeling of giving up and actually give up. I seemed to have had the ‘start the year well and end crap’ syndrome and it’s not because I didn’t want it work out because I wanted it to. Who doesn’t want a good year? Towards the ending of last year through my battle of giving up and wanting more, I realised that I hold a lot of self doubt and negativity. Deep and not so deep inside, I didn’t really believe in myself and the real shocker is I didn’t even really know.
Let me explain!
So I’m hoping by now we all know about the power of the tongue. Most of us do, but we still say silly things that we feel are harmless- e.g,
* I’m dead
* I don’t care
* Who has money?
* I hate you
* I’m so dumb
* I can’t do it.
Even said in the most light hearted tones, even said out of habit there is still power behind it. I don’t know why, but we seem to always want to exaggerate to convey a simple message. You found something really funny- ok.. Why must that be likened to dying? Death is real! As small as is it may seem, we do not recognise the affects it has- even on our subconscious mind. It’s just like when we watch scary films that we know aren’t real but we still get scared– we take in what we are seeing and hearing more than what we can actually control. The same reality applies for what we say especially about ourselves and it affects people differently. Example: I really adopted the phrase
‘I can’t come and die’ (ICC&D)
It was amazing to me. On the outside, it can widely seem as though I’m trying not to stress myself out unnecessarily but, it doesn’t literally mean that. So I found it became decoration to cover my tiredness, lack of enthusiasm and fear of failure. It may not be or seem that deep for you, but after really really monitoring and evaluating I found I didn’t want to work hard towards things I felt wouldn’t work because I believed it would ‘hurt’ even more when it didn’t work out. So I would just hope for the best without actively persuing things aka ‘I can’t come and die.’ Before I knew it, the 2nd January transformed into 30th December and I would see people raving about how fantastic the year was for them and I’d just want to melt on the spot and become one with the floor but my defensive protective voice would take over and say something sarcastic like ‘it’s ok we’ve heard you.’
A cover up.
Even the abbreviation ‘LOL’ has been used as a coverup for many feelings. How can one thing mean so many different things when it’s supposed to mean ‘laughing out loud’ Some of us are stabbing people in the heart with our LOL’s, crying with hurt but typing LOL, tired of the person talking but typing LOL. We think its probably easier but really we are confusing ourselves!
Towards the end of 2017 I really realised I was battling between ‘ICC&D’ whilst believing life just had to get better, so I started to try and think more positively- which is a good thing. The issue was that I hadn’t realised how negative thinking had become such a reflex action, so standing in front of the mirror reading out all these positive affirmations was ‘nice’ it made me ‘feel’ good for a while. However, even after time I didn’t really believe what I would say because the seeds of negativity had been planted from years back and had grown to a point that there was no space for new data, So I would keep doing the same things and when the winds came, I was so concerned about being blown over (Not this again, why me) rather then trying to get up. In my mind I already anticipated the negative outcome and was beating myself up for trying something else when I ‘knew’ I couldn’t avoid the outcome. So I would isolate myself in retaliation alone with my negative thoughts and emotions. That’s another thing- emotions.
Emotions are so closely linked with what you actually believe without you even confessing it. Facts, opinions bad and good experiences, aspirations, downfalls, opinions, faith or lack of it make up your thoughts, they structure what you believe in, what you don’t believe in and you act from that. So imagine the affects of years of negative thinking on your emotions?
Something as simple as not being able to accept a compliment because you feel you are ugly because you were bullied about your appearance, you don’t apply for jobs on your level because you don’t feel others will see you worthy of the position because maybe you don’t even think you are worthy yourself because of doubt. But many people will use the word ‘shy’ to cover up the above and never try to understand/discover that it could be something deeper!
The worst thing is not knowing. A lot of people are controlled by their emotions and fail to recognise it. It’s unfortunately masked with thoughts of being real and being open but what is really being done is just openly sharing your negativity.
A major step in the right direction if you are feeling stuck is to become more aware of yourself and understand why you say certain things listen to your voice, why do you believe certain things. When you take that decision to truly understand the ‘whys’ you will find that you will start to catch yourself out and in this way you can begin to trace back, and understand how you got to the point where you are. That’s real growth. Realising that there is an issue and actively trying to understand so you can raise more awareness of self, watch what you are saying, correct yourself. I’ve already started to see the changes and I hope that this helps someone to do the hard work needed to really change how you think and what you believe instead of covering up deep issues with nice words.
I know as millennial’s we want to do this whole kumbaya thing at times but affirmations, positivity even religion are not magic tricks. They require belief and action.
You can’t cheat on the negative with the positive you need to break up with negative properly, so you can give yourself and positivity the best chance you possibly can.
Naomi Undiluted xxx