Mask on – Mask off

January 13, 2018

*It’s a girl*

 

So does that mean you and your boyfriend are still together?” Those are the words she muttered to me on the 7th of January 2015 (my birthday).

Have u ever held a grudge, staying angry at a person or situation, all whilst getting on with your everyday life commitments so much so that you have to wear a mask pretending to be ok when you aren’t.. ?

So does that mean you and your boyfriend are still together?”

After a while it gets so much harder to take that mask off; to get back to some form of “reality”– to acknowledge your true feelings.

“So does that mean you and your boyfriend are still together?”

What an insensitive piece of sh**.

I had just experienced the most traumatic time in my life.

My first daughter, my first pregnancy, taken away from me at 17 weeks.
How can anyone, let alone a family member, my “best” cousin ask me something like that. Why were those her first words? I can’t even fathom how insensitive those words were. Why would it matter? Does a loss mean that all relationships need to break down? Did she want me to be bitter towards men just like her? Why not ask about how I feel? Why do you think it’s somehow his fault? These are all the questions that ran through my mind and obviously I couldn’t help but feel rage and hurt but I said nothing because I immediately put on that mask.

Since that day we haven’t spoken because yes, I am holding a grudge and yes I am still very much bitter at that one sentence and yes I’m an advocate of that fake ass mask u call happiness that I fling on when she’s around. At family events we hug, we talk and laugh, “We should go out, I’ll call you” I say …

Call who please?
To speak about what exactly?
To meet up where?

I’m done being played by her and she should know! But how would she know when the mask gives that natural glow and I’m the one that’s now playing her.

It’s taken me a long time to process and all that built up anger and hurt has made a bad choice of words an even worse situation. For me now it means swapping my dewy ‘everything is good’ mask for a black mask, peel back and drag out those impurities that lay hidden underneath. Not only because I can’t stand the bitterness and literal hatred I feel whenever she’s around me, but because forgiveness is key. Especially because it’s only really holding me back, especially for my personal growth and walk with the Man upstairs. If my God can be crucified, mocked and still speak words of forgiveness over those who looked up and laughed at him then why can’t I?

I guess you can say I feel convicted and even though I knew this before, I’m realising more and more that holding a grudge and outright knowing I’m being fake isn’t helping me deal with my feelings at all. It’s making things worse. It’s going to take time to stop using my go- to mask and my skin may even suffer from withdrawal symptoms but in 2018 I choose to change and address this issue head on. I shouldn’t have to force what’s not real. Mask on- Mask off..

Love
Nini Undiluted x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *